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#41
LunningStooks

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That's a much different level of conflict TBH.

Yeah, My point was that they're not above going at each other


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#42
Nevv

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+++++

Thanks for the background on Simeone, didn't do a great deal of reading on enforcer contacts.

Not sure what you entail with combat training.

One solution would be to bring up the character's lack of scope, as she doesn't know absolutely everything about the criminal faction.

Possibly reroute it later on to work with Simeon instead?

Appreciate the light that's being shed, cheers.


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#43
LunningStooks

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I didn't have Waskawi's profile to work with, unfortunately. Would you mind shedding some light on this enigmatic character?

Probably not a great idea to take on the leader of all criminals on your first go.

 

 

Waskawi is basically the kingpin and Keyser Söze of San Paro. 

 

Father was an immigrant, rose to prominence in waterfront as a standup guy, became head of a union, started getting in trouble with the mob. Can't remember if he dies or not, but Luke ends up working as a low level mob guy. Eventually, he assassinates the then mayor John Derren, and gets thrown in young offenders, and eventually bumped up to adult prison. Eventually he does his time, making several contacts, such as Arlon and Simeone, who he maneuvers into heading the G-Kings and Bloodroses. Eventually, he moves his growing operation to Asylum and orchestrates the crime wave. Eventually, Jane comes back to San Paro, now an adult, and creates the C.S.A. after the highly corrupt SPPD fails to do anything to stop the growing crime rate.

 

He basically pulls ALL the strings, and is probably the single most important figure in APB.


Edited by LunningStooks, 18 June 2016 - 01:13 AM.

"It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the blowtorch again"
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#44
Nite

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Waskawi is basically the kingpin and Keyser Söze of San Paro. 

 

Father was an immigrant, rose to prominence in waterfront as a standup guy, became head of a union, started getting in trouble with the mob. Can't remember if he dies or not, but Luke ends up working as a low level mob guy. Eventually, he assassinates the then mayor John Derren, and gets thrown in young offenders, and eventually bumped up to adult prison. Eventually he does his time, making several contacts, such as Arlon and Simeone, who he maneuvers into heading the G-Kings and Bloodroses. Eventually, he moves his growing operation to Asylum and orchestrates the crime wave. Eventually, Jane comes back to San Paro, now an adult, and creates the C.S.A. after the highly corrupt SPPD fails to do anything to stop the growing crime rate.

 

He basically pulls ALL the strings, and is probably the single most important figure in APB.

 

From the little that I've read, he also seems to be the source of Arlon's belief in "greatness through death and resurrection" as I call it. That San Paro can be rebuilt by tearing it down completely (seemingly through massive crime).



#45
Word2

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That San Paro can be rebuilt by tearing it down completely (seemingly through massive crime).

He was actually talking about moving the fight to corporate sphere, so companies funding enforcers actions kill each other, preventing civilian casualties and destabilizing the bureaucratic status quo.

 

making several contacts, such as Arlon and Simeone, who he maneuvers into heading the G-Kings and Bloodroses.

Bejamin was given an opportunity he took voluntarily. Knowing things have to change, Waskawi just showed him the way.

On the other hand poor Simeone was forced to oversee the Roses gang for his capabilities and life experience. Still I have no idea how did Luke manage to get a folder on him in such a short period of time.

 

fQeReW5.jpg

 

I'd suggest to ask devolopers themselves, but... you know.


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#46
LunningStooks

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He was actually talking about moving the fight to corporate sphere, so companies funding enforcers actions kill each other, preventing civilian casualties and destabilizing the bureaucratic status quo.

 

Bejamin was given an opportunity he took voluntarily. Knowing things have to change, Waskawi just showed him the way.

On the other hand poor Simeone was forced to oversee the Roses gang for his capabilities and life experience. Still I have no idea how did Luke manage to get a folder on him in such a short period of time.

 

fQeReW5.jpg

 

I'd suggest to ask devolopers themselves, but... you know.

 

6QMk358.jpg


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#47
Kewlin

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Character Name: Vivian "Vivi" Viktoriya

Story Title: Vivi's Journal: Part II

 

Additional Information

Spoiler

 

Story:

Spoiler

Edited by Kewlin, 23 July 2016 - 11:33 AM.

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#48
Allie

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Character Name: Allie "Maya" Summers (Futaku)
 
Story Title: Costs of repair
 
Additional Information:
Spoiler
 
Story:
Spoiler

Edited by Allie, 16 October 2016 - 11:07 AM.

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#49
Allie

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I'm not a good writer, nor is English my primary language. ;d

Guess you'll all just go criticize me for it now.


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#50
Kewlin

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snip

 

Overall I liked it. I'm a little confused by your slighly-off sounding reference to The Death of the Jacks, but overall you were understandable, and I didn't notice many mistakes.

 

Don't worry about English not being your first language, you did fine, and it was a good story. We haven't gotten much in this thread about isolated incidents, so it's cool. ;)

 

 

*EDIT* I forgot to mention, but I believe 5' 7" and 143lbs for a woman may be considered more than athletic, and possibly more along the lines of buff, though I'm not an expert on the weight of women (or people who are 5' 7".)


Edited by Kewlin, 01 August 2016 - 09:46 PM.

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#51
Allie

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Overall I liked it. I'm a little confused by your slighly-off sounding reference to The Death of the Jacks, but overall you were understandable, and I didn't notice many mistakes.

 

Don't worry about English not being your first language, you did fine, and it was a good story. We haven't gotten much in this thread about isolated incidents, so it's cool. ;)

 

 

*EDIT* I forgot to mention, but I believe 5' 7" and 143lbs for a woman may be considered more than athletic, and possibly more along the lines of buff, though I'm not an expert on the weight of women (or people who are 5' 7".)

Haha, I think I have fixed that now, thanks for noting! ;)

(Pounds and feet'inches'' aren't my primary source of measurements either. I just happened to know my real life height in feet'inch'' but never used pounds before.. :P )


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#52
notMateo

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I mean honestly my character's "story" is more relaxed and just so I can get a feel for him as a character, because playing a lifeless husk makes a bad game imo. HIs 'personality' does sorta govern what items I use with him though.  I do want to make a comic for him though, cuz I figure an APB webcomic would be ALOOOT of fun. I'm working towards that ig lol

 

 

Character Name: Teo

 

Additional Information:

Spoiler

 

Story Bio sorta:

Spoiler


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#53
Kewlin

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snip

 

Not that I hate the idea of your character, but IDK if I can really put that in the index, 'cause it's not a story at all.

 

It'd be cool if you turned it into something though.


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#54
notMateo

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Not that I hate the idea of your character, but IDK if I can really put that in the index, 'cause it's not a story at all.

 

It'd be cool if you turned it into something though.

 

oh oh

no

don't worry about adding it to any index or anything sorry

i was just sharing just to contribute lol- there isn't a full story for him yet, but when I get around to it, it's probably going to be some over-the-top shonen bullsh*t because i live for that stuff

 


[ IGN:  bruhTeo ] - [ Jericho NA / Jolby ]

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#55
Kewlin

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Character Name: Vivian "Vivi" Viktoriya

Story Title: Vivi's Journal: Part III

 

Additional Information

Spoiler

 

Story:

Spoiler

Edited by Kewlin, 23 August 2016 - 01:07 PM.

eZVk6Xs.jpg
Lethal NL9Map SuggestionsModification ChangesThe Stories of Our CharactersSTAR✪Variants
I just want to help anyone who calls APB home.


#56
Cazadora

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Finally finished the Myles biography and updated my post. I had to rescue some concepts I left in the drawer and stablish events according to the timeline but it's done!

Biography post


       

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#57
Kewlin

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~snip~

 

I like it!

 

The one thing that stands out to me as noteworthy in a weird way is you saying that she did some jobs for the Tigers and 'Torians, which would imply to most people that she did combat operations for them, which would seem. . . probably illegal? (As I'm relatively certain that enforcers need to be registered, and I doubt that  someone can or would be both be in the SPPD and be an enforcer, but I might be wrong.) I personally would have worded it somewhere along the lines of, "she did some work with both organizations," as that implies that she either worked in police units that were operating alongside enforcers in an operation, or that she worked with the organizations in an office role.

 

Again, I'm not sure what you intended, but it seems to come out a little weird to me, and I personally would have worded it differently.


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#58
Cazadora

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I honestly can't say that I know for sure. I would assume she could, but that's more of an opinion than a fact! Probs better to go another way.

Fixed now ;)


Edited by Cazadora, 25 October 2016 - 05:22 PM.

       

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#59
Cazadora

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Character name: Alan Dean Myles

 

Story title: Lost Words

 

Additional Information:

Spoiler

 

Story:

Spoiler

 

Since I still have a lot of developement to do for him, I might make more of these "burning letters".


Edited by Cazadora, 27 October 2016 - 02:43 PM.

       

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#60
afk

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ok heres my story

 

Spoiler

There is nothing more frightening than a man who has nothing to lose.


#61
SixxstagesofMajik

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ok heres my story

 

Spoiler

Weirdos are not all bad it is the stage of weird they illustrate that defy the good and bad weirdos :P


Majikal PC Tweaks
How bad i get serious, can talk about Trump gosh darn the politics with the Syrians
You wanna ban immigrants? Start with your wife
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Before ya judge think
 

#62
ChellyBean

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Name: Michelle Allen (Nickname: Chelly)

 

Spoiler

 

Spoiler

 

 

Spoiler


Edited by ChellyBean, 26 April 2017 - 10:05 AM.

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#63
ChellyBean

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Name: Lauren Hoyt

 

 

Spoiler

 

Spoiler

 

Spoiler


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#64
ChellyBean

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Name: David Allen

 

Spoiler

 

Spoiler

 

Spoiler


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#65
ChellyBean

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Spoiler


Check out my Youtube Channel!
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#66
Kewlin

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Name: Michelle Allen (Nickname: Chelly)
 
. . .

 
I like it! (as I said before. XD)
 
There are a couple errors that were kinda' glaring I would fix though:
 

  • In the paragraph starting with "Throughout her time in school . . ." you have really weird formatting and there's no obvious reason why.
  • ""I don't want that to happen" he said, taking a sip of his coffee. "...and I don't think you do either...""
  • "She didn't wonder how he came to find her. A, and frankly, she didn't care."
  • "Alig" should either be in all caps as an acronym (ALIG) or lower case (alig), not capitalized like a proper noun (Alig). I'd probably go with all caps like you did with "SHAW" for consistancy.
  • "a mysterious assassin with a metal arm(?) taking out Enforcers throughout the city..."

 

 

Name: Lauren Hoyt

 

. . .

 

As I said before, I like Hoyt's story, it's fun and creative. XD

 

 

Name: David Allen

 

. . .

 

I like it this a lot, but the transition to a criminal is. . . a little abrupt and unexplained? Part of me likes that nothing's said about it, but I can't help but feel like at least a tiny bit more would be good.

 

I like it though! :3
 

 


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#67
UubeNubeh DaWog

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Character Name: "Uube"

Additional Information:
Spoiler


Back story:
Spoiler



Main story:
Spoiler

Edited by UubeNubeh DaWog, 16 May 2017 - 02:33 PM.

I'm actually done with this mess. Just make me a forum mod so we can have SOMEONE with some competence around here.


#68
Kewlin

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Character Name: "Uube"


Backstory:

Spoiler


Main Story:
Spoiler


It’s a good story, but your writing’s not amazing. One notable mistake you’re making is the easy mistake of putting in way too many words and way too much description. There are some things the reader can understand or assume without you writing it, e.g. in the sentence “Passing by a local electronics store she noticed the television sets being advertised in the window, they were all broadcasting the San Paro news with pictures of a large fiery, smokey area with the headline; "Mass prison breakout: authorities urge people to stay indoors"” you don’t need to point out that the store’s local, that the television sets are being advertised, or even that it’s an electronics store, and in a lot of cases details like that actually remove attention from what you’re trying to tell the reader, which in this case is that the news was saying there was a prison breakout.

In addition, you need to think about the structure of your sentences more to prioritize what information you’re trying to give the reader over how you’re giving it to them. Take the sentence I used as an example above for. . . example. . . again. If I strip all of the excess off of that sentence it’s “she noticed the television sets.” Is that what you want to tell the reader? Do you want the reader to know that she saw a television set? Of course not, you want the reader to know that she saw that there was a prison breakout, and believe it or not it helps to set up your sentence to work with as few additional words as possible and then build up from there (I’m not saying you actually construct sentences like this, but a lot of the time it should have the same result as if you did.)

Additionally, as a formatting thing, I highly suggest you self-censor your stories, ‘cause letting the forums do it for you doesn’t work out well. ;P


I like it though! Cool story. :3

 

 

*EDIT* Note, so nobody thinks I'm being a bully or anything, I made the comments I did because Uube was rather clear that he wanted critique.


Edited by Kewlin, 16 May 2017 - 08:37 PM.

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#69
Okelanie

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Oke

 

New blood In The Sand

 

Spoiler

 

 

Part I

Spoiler

 

Its a work in progress...will keep updating as i go along, nice thread by the way.


Edited by Okelanie, 22 May 2017 - 06:33 PM.


#70
Queen of Love

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@Okelanie

++++1



#71
Kewlin

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New blood In The Sand

 

It's an interesting start, I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes. :3

 

As a suggestion though, you might want to use quotation marks more, it's a little weird to read without them.


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Lethal NL9Map SuggestionsModification ChangesThe Stories of Our CharactersSTAR✪Variants
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#72
Okelanie

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It's an interesting start, I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes. :3

 

As a suggestion though, you might want to use quotation marks more, it's a little weird to read without them.

Yeah, i will definitely clean it up. thanks! **Updated


Edited by Okelanie, 22 May 2017 - 06:26 PM.



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